On the wings of a dove comes better love
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adult children;finding it hard to forgive
“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”
― Maya Angelou
I adore this quote because I believe it sums up a lot of us in life. I especially think it sums up parenting skills, or maybe I should say, lack of parenting skills we all face at one time or another.
When it comes to parenting at a young age, we find it hard to know exactly what we should be doing. Now we flounder, couple that aspect with having chosen a bad partner and it just seems to spiral our lives out of control. Whenever parents break up it is traumatic for the kids. I don't care what magazines, popular TV shows and even the so called experts want to tout to us all in philosophy and the most recent research on the subject, it is very tough on the kids. I'm a firm believer that research is only good until the next research comes along to spout new advice anyway. So much for research.
Now even in the best of marriages, adult kids will usually blame parents for not raising them right no matter how wonderful the family is. If that is not the case, well then, I guess there is truly an exception to every rule.
How about the adult kid who cannot, will not and absolutely cannot listen to reason, yet insists on blaming one parent over the other? Who is this healthy for? Certainly not the adult kid nor the parent who is being blamed.
to the kids
It is essential to find forgiveness in your heart toward the parent you seem to think of as the person solely to blame for the bad marriage or bad relationship. No one is ever asking you to forget, because when you forget, then you might be the one making those same mistakes. But we are talking forgiveness.
Why should you forgive? Well just when you think you have figured out why, how, when and where the causes lay for the breakup of your parents, you are usually wrong, wrong, wrong. Since you weren't really in the relationship, except as the kid, i.e. innocent bystander for the most part, how can you possibly know all the reasons or all the angles of the nuts and bolts of the relationship? The chances are very, very high that the reasons why you singled out one parent to lay the blame on, you will be wrong. why do I say this?
blame is not a game
Usually the blame goes something like this:
You blame the parent who walked out................But do you Know for certain they walked out? Even if they did, do you know, for dead certain why they walked out?
You live with one parent.......chances are very good that the parent you live with is going to blame the other person. Parents are told not to do this, but parents who are bitter can tend to do everything they are advised not to do, such as blaming the other parent. Kids pick up on that and then the kids blame the other parent too because they feel disloyal if they do not take sides, especially the side of the parent they live with and love.
I know a father who has tried everything he could think of to reach out to his adult child, only to be brushed off at every attempt. The child thinks she has the entire story and thinks she knows why her dad moved to another state to live, not being able to see her as often. She thinks she has the entire story. But in reality, his wife cheated on him, he could not forget the betrayal of the wedding vows and so they divorced. After the divorce his ex-wife tried to kill him, on several occasions and even after he remarried, she would stalk them and even damaged their property. He was kind enough not to have the mother of his children arrested, but he did pack up and move because it was just too much to handle. So that adult child is wrong to blame just her dad for everything.
Blame and hatred are like a cancer. Both of those emotions will eat you up alive, even if you do not realize it is what is happening. So you deprive your own kids of a grandparent and you wrongfully blame just one parent.
In reality both share the blame equally for what caused a breakup of the family. How so? Well the supposedly wronged parent, was the one who picked the other partner. So how can you believe that wronged parent is not to blame? You, as the kid, did not pick your parents, but they are and always will be, the only parents you have, like it or not. So the parent who picked the supposedly awful parent is to blame, to blame for picking the wrong partner, no matter how you care to slice it.
As people, even parents, grow older, they tend to mellow out and age has a way of doing that to people. So, in later years, the other parent may realize they made some mistakes, but they cannot go back and relive the old days of the child's youth. cut them some slack, because if you, the adult child never, ever, make a mistake in life, well, you are not human then. We all make them. some mistakes may seem to be worse than others, but is there really a degree of sin, or even of mistakes? No, there is not. A sin is a sin and a mistake is a mistake. choosing sides is usually always wrong. You just hurt yourself in the long run because hate and blame fester like a boil, tainting everything you try to do in your own lives.
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Forgiving and forgetting is a commendable goal. Blaming one parent over another for a marital breakdown is certainly ridiculous. ON the other hand, children who have suffered deliberate cruelty (and I've known many) have a difficult time with forgiveness. Perhaps that's asking too much. How can such a child say, "They didn't know better." Everyone knows better. Perhaps forgiveness should be meted out carefully. Some things can never be forgiven. Thanks for the food for thought. Lynda
I have not heard that song in ages..I love the message..This is a great article Bobbi. I can relate. I thing forgiveness is crucial to happiness.So many times children are forced to choose between a parent. It seems when they reach adulthood they can see both side more clearly, yet some continue to place blame. Thank you for a really great topic. It is good to see you back on hubpages..Cheers..
Even though I adore my parents, my mother can be trying, yet I would never, ever, ever have chosen different parents. I love them (my dad passed away 9 years ago). I understand, as "me mum" made me privy to her upbringing. It was during the depression and her father, an alcoholic, lost his job. The family had to split up and move in with relatives. My point is we are all human and we all carry baggage. I was not a product of divorced parents. They adored each other and my mom misses dad everyday. I feel privileged that she shared her story with me as understanding is key. The fact that my parents are not perfect is reassuring to me, as I know I will never come as close to the ideal as they achieved. I hope my mother can forgive "ME" for the disappointments I created in my life, as they always touch the ones we love.
This is an inspirational piece, Bobbi, thank you.
What a Powerful Hub Bobbi...You really tell it like it is. I learned early on to see my parents as "people" first, and not "perfect parents". I have the scars of an early divorce from them. But I also got to know them both well and didn't judge.
I too went through a Divorce after 22 years of Marriage, which at first my Sons blamed their father. I said, "don't he was always a Good father to both of you when you were growing up". Today, I am happily remarried, while my X has gone through another wife, and is now dating. We are "Friendly" at Social Events with the family. It's not perfect, but it seems to work for all of us.
FloraBreenRobison: Yes, some parents do act like that, disowning their children, but it still remains that the one parent did choose that person, the children did not do the choosing, so we kind of get what is left over many times. But a person who is irresponsible probably needs forgiving much more than most people do. Thanks so much for commenting.
lmmartin: Hi! I understand completely what you are saying. I too, once subscribed to: "They know what they are doing." But then, Nazi Germany, the population there, should have 'known what they were doing too' but did it anyway. Just because a person may know better does not mean they always do what is right. Maybe the abuser is mentally ill, maybe they were abused, but I know not all were raised as I was raised so it's hard for me to pass judgement. Those who are hardest to forgive, Need forgiveness the most. No one is ever saying to 'forget' but forgiveness is nice because, as a not so perfect person myself, I can only hope people forgive me when I may have fallen short. Thanks so much for commenting. Always good to see you.
LOL I just did not seem to see the new 'reply button. I like it. Yes, as adults we need to make our own choices and try to forgive. I know many have been through some simply awful times at the hands of uncaring parents and it is most difficult to forgive. But being eaten up with hatred and blame serves no good purpose for anyone. Thanks so much for commenting. It is always very good to see you.
always exploring: OK I'm not sure just how that reply thing works, apparently didn't show up here. *sigh* But yes, as adults we may have been through some awful experiences with uncaring parents, but hatred and blame serve no good purposes for anyone, least of all the victims. Thanks so much for commenting and so very good to see you too.
Amy Becherer: Hello! Awwwww You sound like a good daughter as an adult. We all probably were trying children and especially teens. You are right to see them as human and yet we all make mistakes, and sometimes it it hard for some to forgive. But hopefully, some adult kid will read this and think about it. It never happens overnight. Thanks so much for commenting.
b. Malin: hi! Thank you so much for your input on this. It is always nice to read experiences. Yes, it was good you talked to your children because it can be so tempting to cut up the other parent. You are too nice for that. Thanks so much for sharing this with us all.
Excellent read very smooth in transition, making a great topic to be worked out. I had an interesting situation where back in 1978 I , woke up and sobered up to what was an every night rawl between 2 married couples that had daughters that were with in 2 months of birth, and shared a bed room and the 4 adult children had the other two bed rooms that after the war we would work at the open pit mine, were I had an in to help us get jobs and we could split the rent on a 4 bedroom house and it worked out they had another plan and got a cheaper 3 bedroom home and the kids would sleep on the couch. After a week of a kid on the couch and another in a recliner, staying up late watching Johnny Carson with me and slow to get going in the mornings and at 02:30 they would stagger through the door drunk and fighting wanting to know why I had not set the limit and mase them go to bed in there rooms until they got home and the kids wee stuck in he middle of a rawl by there parents. So I gave them my room and half the closet and a 12 inch color tv and told them to turn it off at 20:00
I suffered through a 6 or More month run of the drunks raising hell like clock work. I was working swing shift and they loaded up most of their stuff and left only they left two 8 year old kids, Debb and Marcee, I had fun harassing then and nerf ball fight and inside battles. It was a trip, I got hold of the guys at work and asked a bout the kids when were that coming to get them and "next week" to many times and both had divorced and where they went ? I still don't know. I had a job offer in California, good money and still two of somebody elses kids. I put the VW on a trailer behind a small truck to hold the little we had and my Harley too and went to California and they were cool with my last name but the idea was shallow and I ended up in court and had to run news add in the personals 6 months for six months and they were declared abandoned and wards of the state, anyway after missing so much work I was laid off. My employer, Howard Hughes, found out he was upset and called me we talked a while and it said I was a single father trying to raise them. He asked is that right and I told him the attorneys were not flexible neither was the court, with 3 of his law dogs went into the court with me the demeanor of the judge changed and I was in chambers adopting them and changing their names.
I've never seen that much pull before in my life my life changed drastically that say for the better, Everyone thinks are girls are hard to raise and I think it was easy all things considered. Their parents wanted them back and we went to a mediated session and the ruling of them, legally adding me to a court ordered ruling of him being 50ft from them and me and super visits with a cop on watch and their legal father.
Great hub voted up and the arrey of buttons, peace, dusty
50 Caliber: Hi there! That's quite an interesting story, I must say. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic. Good to see you.
Hello Bobbi! Thank you for writing about this. Yes, I agree that divorce is never easy, especially on children no matter how old they are. Also, as you've mentioned, we should learn to forgive, but not necessarily forget the lessons. It is true that it is easier said than done, especially the children since they are the ones who are affected the most with their parents' divorce. They probably will never fully comprehend the situation, but at the same time, they should try not to judge their parents. Thank you for sharing such a thought provoking hub, Bobbi! Keep at it. God bless!
CarolineVABC: Hi there! Good to see you again. Yes, it seems it is hardest to forgive those who need it most. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on this.
I checked your profile page to see if there were any hubs I've missed and found this one, full of wisdom and dramatic examples.
Thanks for sharing this important advice. Forgiveness helps the forgiver most of all but sometimes people just aren't ready to do it.
I think very often kids don't know the full story and if the lines of communication have been totally shut down they may never learn what happened from the other parent's point of view.
Certainly, if there has been past abuse, efforts to reconnect have to be handled carefully, or there may also be times when for safety reasons forgiveness is done on an emotional level without actual contact.
Thanks for sharing this important article on HP.
Voted up, useful and interesting.
FloraBreenRobison 4 months ago
I think it would have been much worse for my mother to have the type of man my grandfather was as a father raising her. In retrospect. But at the time, she was the only divorced family in the small town and to know that he disowned his children from his first marriage was quite damaging. But really, if you are willing to disown your own children, it is best for them that you don't teach them to be like you.